About Sexual Abuse, part 2 (Sex play between kids)

Austin has had a terrible case of sexual abuse in the news lately. One result of this is that a lot of parents are asking important questions about sexual abuse. This post is part 2 of 2 that provide basic information about sexual abuse. Of course, this is no substitute for the counsel of a professional. If you have questions, please contact a professional. In Texas, you can call the Statewide Child Abuse Reporting Hotline and make a report or get more information anonymously: 1-800-252-5400.

An important piece of the Beyond Birds & Bees class is in learning to recognize Red Flags--in other words, signs that something might be wrong. Sex play between children can be normal. Here are four signs that indicate that it might not be:

• The kids are different ages or developmental ages. More than 2 years difference warrants further investigation and possibly discussion with a professional.
• Coercion/aggression. When sex play is normal, both kids will be fairly interested/motivated to participate. Any signs of one child exerting much influence over the other one is a red flag.
• Adult-style behaviors. When children are engaging in normal, healthy, age-appropriate sex play, they do it like kids. It's silly and childish sex play. If the children are enacting sex play that replicates actual (adult-style) sexuality, treat that as a red flag.
  
• Anger/withdrawn/fearful emotions. Normal childhood sex play is generally accompanied with emotions like: curiosity, silliness, excitement. Contrast that with anger, withdrawal, or fear--those are red flags.
  

Again, remember that this is no substitute for the counsel of a professional. But if all parents would commit those Red Flags to memory, and act on their feelings/intuition by contacting a professional, all children could benefit.

Jamie and the teachable moment, take two

Several months back I wrote a post about teachable moments, specifically citing Jamie Lynn Spear's pregnancy as a golden opportunity for parents to talk to their kids about sex (and pregnancy, and their family values, etc.) Click here to read that post in its entirety.

Today's news tells us that Jamie has had her baby. To Ms. Spears (and all new mothers,) I say: congratulations. And to the mothers who read this blog, I say: Here's another chance! Talk with your kids! Ask them if they'd heard about the birth. Are their friends talking about it? How does your child feel about teen pregnancy? Talk talk talk. Ask ask ask. Listen Listen Listen. Don't let this fabulous opportunity pass you by.

About Sexual Abuse, Part 1

Austin has had a terrible case of sexual abuse in the news lately. One result of this is that a lot of parents are asking important questions about sexual abuse. This post is part 1 of 2 that provides basic information about sexual abuse. Of course, this is no substitute for the counsel of a professional. If you have questions or concerns, please contact a professional. In Texas, you can call the Statewide Child Abuse Reporting Hotline and make a report or get more information anonymously: 1-800-252-5400. So here's some basic information for parents about sexual abuse.

• Sexual abuse is a term that encompasses a very wide range of behaviors. We tend to imagine the violent/stranger/kidnapping scenario, but the vast majority of abuse doesn’t look like that. 90% of abusers are known to the child. (ie, family member, child-friend, adult family-friend.)
• Sexual abuse is frighteningly common. 1 in 4 girls, 1 in 6 boys.
• Children can be abused by another child. (3 years older is generally considered abusive.)
• Children don't always tell anyone about what's happened. (telling is called making an "outcry.") Perhaps they are embarrassed, ashamed, afraid because the perpetrator threatened them or their loved ones, afraid they'll get in trouble, or confused.
• Sometimes children wait for weeks, months, or years before they tell anyone.
• Sometimes children try to tell us and we don't realize it. Or don't know what to do. Or don't believe them. (This is why it's important to call a professional.)
  
• Sexual abuse can happen 1 time, regularly for years, and everything in between.

If a child makes an outcry to you:

• Listen carefully.
• Assure your child's immediate safety.
• Remember that in Texas, every citizen is required by law to report suspected child abuse.
• Professionals like teachers, social workers, and nurses, etc, are required to report within 48 hours, and face serious penalties for failing to do so.
• You can call the reporting hotline 24/7. Law enforcement can also be called.
• Not sure if it's abuse? Call the reporting hotline anyway. You can ask questions and/or make a report anonymously. 1-800-252-5400.
• Act.
• Don't delay.

Sexual abusers thrive on secrets, embarrassment, fear, awkwardness, and shame. Don't let them!

Carpool Conversations

Does your child think that you are a chauffeur? The kind with an actual soundproof barrier between your seat and theirs? When you’re driving your child and a friend, do they sometimes seem to forget that you’re there, and engage in conversations that are normally never discussed in front of parents? If so, you’re not alone. It’s a funny aspect of the kid-world—forgetting that their “driver” is also their parent and has ears. As a result I get lots of questions from parents asking how to handle those moments. Should you redirect the kids, saying that that isn’t an appropriate thing to be talking about? Should you interrupt and ask them what they’re talking about or where they heard that word?
In a word, no.

Here’s what I recommend instead. First: take a deep breath, blink, and try to shelve your emotions for the moment. Then consider one of these two options.

Option #1: Pretend you are a social anthropologist and this is your field observation—you are in this car specifically to find out what is really going on in the heads of your chosen population—school aged children. Like any good professional, you’ll try to be invisible and not distracting, while taking very accurate, factual notes in your head. Say nothing. While you’re at it, pay attention to your own feelings and take note of them, too. This will all come in handy later.

Option #2: Pretend you’re a therapist. Therapists generally listen most, ask questions secondly, and talk the least. You-as-therapist won’t pass judgment or share your own opinions—rather—if you talk at all, it will be to gently offer questions that are designed to bring to light the thought processes, beliefs, and values of your “client.” Questions like: “What do you think of that?” “What does that word mean to you?” “Have you ever talked about that with your friends? What do they think?” Again, take mental notes.

So drop off that trouble-making friend, make a mental note to call his parents later, and head home. Cross your fingers that you can have a few moments of alone time at home to review your ‘notes,’ collect your thoughts, and make a plan of action. Talk with your co-parent about the experience. Then, later, bring it back up again in a non-threatening way. Perhaps while you and your child are making dinner, or cleaning up after dinner, or in the car (with no friends) on the way to soccer. You could start the conversation with something like, “Remember when Casey said … What did you think about that?”

Your goal here is to take advantage of this teachable moment. Now that you know what is really going in your child’s life right now, reinforce that you are an “askable parent” and gently share your values and/or correct any misinformation that your child may have. Keep the relationship in mind at all times, offer to provide more information to your child (via a book, for example) and don’t go on too long. You can do it!

Oh, Good Question!

Earlier this week I had an initial appointment with a physical therapist. Towards the end of our visit, he gave me some instructions for things to do at home. I sortof understood, but wanted clarification, so I asked a question. This is where things went downhill.

Head and Shoulders, Knees and Toes...

You know the song, right? We sing along to it at library storytimes, preschool, sometimes even in the car—it’s a universal toddler-anthem. Hmmm, hm, hmm hm, hm, hmm, hmmm,.. It’s so catchy–plus, it’s educational! We’re teaching body parts through song.

But I teach a class for parents on how to talk to your kids about sex, and a consequence of being a teacher is that you must do a lot of learning and observing, too. So I frequently find myself noticing how funny our society is about sex. This song is my latest victim, as it occurred to me that it’s kind of like teaching our children that certain parts of our bodies are unmentionable. I picture a fictional songwriter, making a list of body parts to include in her song. She starts out with a comprehensive list, but later reconsiders when she imagines her 3 year old loudly singing the song in the grocery store.

Top 11 Tips for Talking with Your Child about Sex

1. Talk with your partner about your family’s values about sex. Specifically discuss which messages you want to give your child about sex.
2. Research age-appropriate lessons on sexuality. (for example—toddlers are interested in beginnings/endings, pregnancy and body functions.)

What is a Teachable Moment? (or, Did you hear about Jamie Lynn Spears?)

Sometimes, life presents you with openings—an engraved invitation, if you will, to share information or values with your children. These golden opportunities are what we call “teachable moments.” Sometimes they present themselves because your child asks a question or makes a statement, particularly when those statements are incorrect or contrary to your values. Other times, our teachable moments arrive via the media. These teachable moments can be especially useful, because (a) there are so many of them, and (b) they rarely reflect your family values. It’s a never-ending source of “Let’s talk about this!” moments.

This brings me to Jamie Lynn Spears, Britney Spears’ 16 year old younger sister. Do you know that she’s pregnant? Your school-aged kids probably do. She announced her pregnancy in a tabloid magazine a month or so ago. I want to propose that you consider the media coverage of her pregnancy a very useful teachable moment.

What is an Askable Parent?

An askable parent is what you want to be. No matter what your family values about sex are, chances are that you want your child to share them. For your child to know your values, and to get accurate information, they need to feel comfortable talking with you about sex. That is an askable parent.

An Askable Parent does:

• Listen actively
• Stay on topic
• Respond positively
• Take the questions (and the child) seriously
• Stay patient and keep their answers brief
• Remain calm
• Take advantage of “teachable moments.”

An Askable Parent does not:

• Laugh at irrational questions (like, “Does a pregnant lady’s food fall on her baby’s head?)
• Say, “Go ask your father/mother.” (It’s important for kids to know that they can talk about sexuality with either gender—that’s good role modeling for any future heterosexual relationships.)
• Ask, “Why do you want to know?”
• Widen their eyes, tighten their neck muscles, and talk for 10 minutes straight without stopping!

Believe it or not, it’s not necessary to have the perfect answer to whatever Big Question your child comes up with. Questions about sex will come up again and again, at every age and stage. That’s why the most important thing that your child can learn is that you are the person to go to with their questions. Otherwise, they are likely to seek out the information from their friends—and chances are—that information will be inaccurate or even dangerous. So take a deep breath, smile, and say “oh, good question!”