About Sexual Abuse, part 2 (Sex play between kids)

Austin has had a terrible case of sexual abuse in the news lately. One result of this is that a lot of parents are asking important questions about sexual abuse. This post is part 2 of 2 that provide basic information about sexual abuse. Of course, this is no substitute for the counsel of a professional. If you have questions, please contact a professional. In Texas, you can call the Statewide Child Abuse Reporting Hotline and make a report or get more information anonymously: 1-800-252-5400.

An important piece of the Beyond Birds & Bees class is in learning to recognize Red Flags--in other words, signs that something might be wrong. Sex play between children can be normal. Here are four signs that indicate that it might not be:

• The kids are different ages or developmental ages. More than 2 years difference warrants further investigation and possibly discussion with a professional.
• Coercion/aggression. When sex play is normal, both kids will be fairly interested/motivated to participate. Any signs of one child exerting much influence over the other one is a red flag.
• Adult-style behaviors. When children are engaging in normal, healthy, age-appropriate sex play, they do it like kids. It's silly and childish sex play. If the children are enacting sex play that replicates actual (adult-style) sexuality, treat that as a red flag.
  
• Anger/withdrawn/fearful emotions. Normal childhood sex play is generally accompanied with emotions like: curiosity, silliness, excitement. Contrast that with anger, withdrawal, or fear--those are red flags.
  

Again, remember that this is no substitute for the counsel of a professional. But if all parents would commit those Red Flags to memory, and act on their feelings/intuition by contacting a professional, all children could benefit.

About Sexual Abuse, Part 1

Austin has had a terrible case of sexual abuse in the news lately. One result of this is that a lot of parents are asking important questions about sexual abuse. This post is part 1 of 2 that provides basic information about sexual abuse. Of course, this is no substitute for the counsel of a professional. If you have questions or concerns, please contact a professional. In Texas, you can call the Statewide Child Abuse Reporting Hotline and make a report or get more information anonymously: 1-800-252-5400. So here's some basic information for parents about sexual abuse.

• Sexual abuse is a term that encompasses a very wide range of behaviors. We tend to imagine the violent/stranger/kidnapping scenario, but the vast majority of abuse doesn’t look like that. 90% of abusers are known to the child. (ie, family member, child-friend, adult family-friend.)
• Sexual abuse is frighteningly common. 1 in 4 girls, 1 in 6 boys.
• Children can be abused by another child. (3 years older is generally considered abusive.)
• Children don't always tell anyone about what's happened. (telling is called making an "outcry.") Perhaps they are embarrassed, ashamed, afraid because the perpetrator threatened them or their loved ones, afraid they'll get in trouble, or confused.
• Sometimes children wait for weeks, months, or years before they tell anyone.
• Sometimes children try to tell us and we don't realize it. Or don't know what to do. Or don't believe them. (This is why it's important to call a professional.)
  
• Sexual abuse can happen 1 time, regularly for years, and everything in between.

If a child makes an outcry to you:

• Listen carefully.
• Assure your child's immediate safety.
• Remember that in Texas, every citizen is required by law to report suspected child abuse.
• Professionals like teachers, social workers, and nurses, etc, are required to report within 48 hours, and face serious penalties for failing to do so.
• You can call the reporting hotline 24/7. Law enforcement can also be called.
• Not sure if it's abuse? Call the reporting hotline anyway. You can ask questions and/or make a report anonymously. 1-800-252-5400.
• Act.
• Don't delay.

Sexual abusers thrive on secrets, embarrassment, fear, awkwardness, and shame. Don't let them!

Top 11 Tips for Talking with Your Child about Sex

1. Talk with your partner about your family’s values about sex. Specifically discuss which messages you want to give your child about sex.
2. Research age-appropriate lessons on sexuality. (for example—toddlers are interested in beginnings/endings, pregnancy and body functions.)

What is an Askable Parent?

An askable parent is what you want to be. No matter what your family values about sex are, chances are that you want your child to share them. For your child to know your values, and to get accurate information, they need to feel comfortable talking with you about sex. That is an askable parent.

An Askable Parent does:

• Listen actively
• Stay on topic
• Respond positively
• Take the questions (and the child) seriously
• Stay patient and keep their answers brief
• Remain calm
• Take advantage of “teachable moments.”

An Askable Parent does not:

• Laugh at irrational questions (like, “Does a pregnant lady’s food fall on her baby’s head?)
• Say, “Go ask your father/mother.” (It’s important for kids to know that they can talk about sexuality with either gender—that’s good role modeling for any future heterosexual relationships.)
• Ask, “Why do you want to know?”
• Widen their eyes, tighten their neck muscles, and talk for 10 minutes straight without stopping!

Believe it or not, it’s not necessary to have the perfect answer to whatever Big Question your child comes up with. Questions about sex will come up again and again, at every age and stage. That’s why the most important thing that your child can learn is that you are the person to go to with their questions. Otherwise, they are likely to seek out the information from their friends—and chances are—that information will be inaccurate or even dangerous. So take a deep breath, smile, and say “oh, good question!”