Carpool Conversations

Does your child think that you are a chauffeur? The kind with an actual soundproof barrier between your seat and theirs? When you’re driving your child and a friend, do they sometimes seem to forget that you’re there, and engage in conversations that are normally never discussed in front of parents? If so, you’re not alone. It’s a funny aspect of the kid-world—forgetting that their “driver” is also their parent and has ears. As a result I get lots of questions from parents asking how to handle those moments. Should you redirect the kids, saying that that isn’t an appropriate thing to be talking about? Should you interrupt and ask them what they’re talking about or where they heard that word?
In a word, no.

Here’s what I recommend instead. First: take a deep breath, blink, and try to shelve your emotions for the moment. Then consider one of these two options.

Option #1: Pretend you are a social anthropologist and this is your field observation—you are in this car specifically to find out what is really going on in the heads of your chosen population—school aged children. Like any good professional, you’ll try to be invisible and not distracting, while taking very accurate, factual notes in your head. Say nothing. While you’re at it, pay attention to your own feelings and take note of them, too. This will all come in handy later.

Option #2: Pretend you’re a therapist. Therapists generally listen most, ask questions secondly, and talk the least. You-as-therapist won’t pass judgment or share your own opinions—rather—if you talk at all, it will be to gently offer questions that are designed to bring to light the thought processes, beliefs, and values of your “client.” Questions like: “What do you think of that?” “What does that word mean to you?” “Have you ever talked about that with your friends? What do they think?” Again, take mental notes.

So drop off that trouble-making friend, make a mental note to call his parents later, and head home. Cross your fingers that you can have a few moments of alone time at home to review your ‘notes,’ collect your thoughts, and make a plan of action. Talk with your co-parent about the experience. Then, later, bring it back up again in a non-threatening way. Perhaps while you and your child are making dinner, or cleaning up after dinner, or in the car (with no friends) on the way to soccer. You could start the conversation with something like, “Remember when Casey said … What did you think about that?”

Your goal here is to take advantage of this teachable moment. Now that you know what is really going in your child’s life right now, reinforce that you are an “askable parent” and gently share your values and/or correct any misinformation that your child may have. Keep the relationship in mind at all times, offer to provide more information to your child (via a book, for example) and don’t go on too long. You can do it!