Video--How to Talk to your Young Child about Sex

I recently made a short instructional video called "How to talk to your young child about sex." It covers a small sample of the information I present in the Beyond Birds & Bees workshop. It's only 14 minutes long, and you can purchase it for just $1.99 from this website: www.mindbites.com.

Here's a preview:



Update: This post was originally posted in September '08, but I've had several requests for this video, so I'm moving this post up to the top--for easier locating... Check it out here!

Can we talk about it at the grocery store?

I tell parents to use and teach the proper terminology for genitals with their young kids. This usually prompts a popular question: "But if we teach them that word, won't they yell it out at the grocery store?"

Well, in a word, "yes."

Yes, they probably will say the word penis (or vulva, or whatever) in the grocery store (or say it to Grandma, or at preschool, etc etc etc.) But it's okay--teach the correct words anyway. Why? Well, (a) the positive reasons to use the proper words outweigh the potential embarrassment of the grocery store scene, and (b) the likelihood of your child making a scene with those words is directly related to how freaked out you are by them. If you practice using those words and can incorporate them into your normal vocabulary (just like elbow, eyebrow, and ankle...) your child will have less incentive to 'make a scene' with those words--because they won't be as powerful.

Furthermore, alongside teaching your children the truth about where babies come from, and the proper terminology for all body parts, I encourage parents to teach their children limits for talking about sex. When your child makes the inevitable comment at the dinner table about "poopy" or "farting" (oh, how those young kids love potty humor!), your redirection can include the reminder that those topics are private, and not discussed during dinner/when guests are over/in public/etc.

And then maybe you'll get to have the same conversation I had some time back with my young daughter. As the two of us were driving somewhere, she asked about a family friend:

"Does he have a penis?"

Um, yes honey, he does.

"Can we talk about it at the grocery store?"

*ahem.* No, dear.


Have a great week, ya'll.

Carpool Conversations

Does your child think that you are a chauffeur? The kind with an actual soundproof barrier between your seat and theirs? When you’re driving your child and a friend, do they sometimes seem to forget that you’re there, and engage in conversations that are normally never discussed in front of parents? If so, you’re not alone. It’s a funny aspect of the kid-world—forgetting that their “driver” is also their parent and has ears. As a result I get lots of questions from parents asking how to handle those moments. Should you redirect the kids, saying that that isn’t an appropriate thing to be talking about? Should you interrupt and ask them what they’re talking about or where they heard that word?
In a word, no.

Here’s what I recommend instead. First: take a deep breath, blink, and try to shelve your emotions for the moment. Then consider one of these two options.

Option #1: Pretend you are a social anthropologist and this is your field observation—you are in this car specifically to find out what is really going on in the heads of your chosen population—school aged children. Like any good professional, you’ll try to be invisible and not distracting, while taking very accurate, factual notes in your head. Say nothing. While you’re at it, pay attention to your own feelings and take note of them, too. This will all come in handy later.

Option #2: Pretend you’re a therapist. Therapists generally listen most, ask questions secondly, and talk the least. You-as-therapist won’t pass judgment or share your own opinions—rather—if you talk at all, it will be to gently offer questions that are designed to bring to light the thought processes, beliefs, and values of your “client.” Questions like: “What do you think of that?” “What does that word mean to you?” “Have you ever talked about that with your friends? What do they think?” Again, take mental notes.

So drop off that trouble-making friend, make a mental note to call his parents later, and head home. Cross your fingers that you can have a few moments of alone time at home to review your ‘notes,’ collect your thoughts, and make a plan of action. Talk with your co-parent about the experience. Then, later, bring it back up again in a non-threatening way. Perhaps while you and your child are making dinner, or cleaning up after dinner, or in the car (with no friends) on the way to soccer. You could start the conversation with something like, “Remember when Casey said … What did you think about that?”

Your goal here is to take advantage of this teachable moment. Now that you know what is really going in your child’s life right now, reinforce that you are an “askable parent” and gently share your values and/or correct any misinformation that your child may have. Keep the relationship in mind at all times, offer to provide more information to your child (via a book, for example) and don’t go on too long. You can do it!

Say Bye-Bye to the Big Talk

The American Academy of Pediatrics has published another study that I found exciting. (I wrote about the last one on my other blog, here.) This study, by Steven C. Martino et al, surveyed adolescents and their parents, regarding both the frequency of ’sex talks’ and the breadth of topics discussed in those talks. The results (again) prove what we already know:

• that parents should have many little talks about sex with their kids, as opposed to one “Big Talk,” and
• kids whose parents talked more frequently about sex with them rated their parent-child communication about sex higher, and
• kids whose parents talk with them about sex more frequently rated their non-sex-related communication higher
• adolescents whose parents discussed a greater breadth of topics (related to sex) perceived their parents as more “open.” (I like the term “askable.”)

So if you were looking for one more reason to begin talking–today!–with your child about sex, here it is.

If you'd like to read more, here is the URL to the original publication. http://pediatrics.aappublications.org/cgi/reprint/121/3/e612

Finally, thanks to “On Parenting” for letting me know about this study.

Oh, Good Question!

Earlier this week I had an initial appointment with a physical therapist. Towards the end of our visit, he gave me some instructions for things to do at home. I sortof understood, but wanted clarification, so I asked a question. This is where things went downhill.

Top 11 Tips for Talking with Your Child about Sex

1. Talk with your partner about your family’s values about sex. Specifically discuss which messages you want to give your child about sex.
2. Research age-appropriate lessons on sexuality. (for example—toddlers are interested in beginnings/endings, pregnancy and body functions.)